I may not be there yet… and I’m not closer than I was yesterday.

AND I'M NOT (1)

Sometimes it’s so hard to not be where I want to be.
Some days I’m able to use that as an extra oomph to pursue what I want; others – fewer, thankfully – leave me out of breath and feeling hopeless. Yesterday was one of those days.

I want to work as a Developmental Specialist in Early Intervention in the US. There. I said it. 

For those of you than are just stumbling upon my post, I’m a 30 year old gal from Portugal, born and raised, with a lovely bunch of family and friends, Psychomotricist specialized in Early Intervention and I love it.

But, somewhere along my development, around those bubbly late teenage years/early adulthood, I found myself more and more “connected” to the United States. And I’m using quotation marks because I really can’t explain how I feel about it. I want to move to the US, pursue/continue my career there and, overall, move my entire life there. I truly believe my/our life would be better there.

Now, I’m not an ingenue. And I’ve heard so many times how awful the US can be, and how traumatizing that experience can be, and how the American dream isn’t real, and how I’m wrong to “hate” my country, and so much more. Believe me. If there’s anything that anyone can think about this issue, I’ve heard it.

First of all, I don’t hate my country. I’m Portuguese. I will always be. Even if I’m able to apply for US citizenship. I believe Portugal is one of the richest countries in terms of history and power. We’re not always portrayed as such, especially after the financial crisis that we were (and still are) in. But I love Portugal and will always love it.

I’ve been to the US, I have family there (my brother in law is American), and a lot of friends from there. It’s not that I woke up one day, closed my eyes in front of a world map, and randomly selected a country to move in. I know A LOT about the US and I’m guilty of – most of the times – being more up to date in US news other than what’s happening here.

In three different visits, I’ve stayed a total of almost two months there. In a road trip back in 2010 we visited three states and got to know a lot of different realities. I have nothing bad to say regarding the time I spent there. Maybe we were lucky. I know we were. We only interacted with really cool people – even the officer that gave us a parking ticket in Boston.

I postponed writing this because I really couldn’t – and still can’t – find a good way to easily explain it. I guess that you could only truly understand it if you’re going through the same. It’s almost like you feel you were born in the wrong country.

It’s not a question of identity. I’ve explained that already. It’s a question of heart. And I may be wrong. I could move there and realize that’s not really for me. And that would be okay. But this is how I feel right now – and have been for the past almost 10 years.

Which brings me to the latest events. You may remember my failed US job experience that I wrote about last year. If you don’t or didn’t read it in the first place, click here. In that post, I wrote:

But still, my biggest on-going goal for this year is to get another opportunity to work in the States. I believe I’m worth it. I am a very good professional and every company would win if they were to hire me. Specially if they would hire me to work in the US. I would be the best and most committed therapist. *okay, I’ll stop with the overconfidence right before I come off as arrogant*

A couple of things have changed since then. I’m currently working – for almost a year now – and I’ve had a couple more positive replies to my job applications. None of which turned out to be a possibility due to immigration complications. It’s not an easy process for both the company and immigrant applicant, and I understand that it can’t be an easy one, but it’s so frustrating.

In the beginning, with every positive reply, or request to set up a skype interview, I would be over the moon. Now, in order to protect my sanity, I need to not allow myself to be excited. And I’ve learned to read in between the lines of emails really well.

With that said, it’s getting harder and harder not to have days when I feel disheartened. I’ve sent close – or maybe even over – a thousand job applications, in the past 6-7 years. I’ve religiously applied to the green card lottery every year since 2007/2008. I’ve considered applying to a second Masters Degree. Nothing has worked.

I keep seeing people I know moving to the US and it seems so easy. Some of them don’t even want to go there, they’re going because they have to. And it gets harder to push away envy.

And that was why yesterday was hard. I’m human, after all.

But I’m a fighter, and above all, I believe in myself, my worth and my goal.

I’m 30, couple of months shy of 31, but I will not give up. I may not be there yet… and I’m not closer than I was yesterday, but tomorrow – who knows?

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Sofia @ Something on Everything

I'm a 32 year old Portuguese Psychomotricist / Early Intervention Specialist that loves to write about everything! Here you'll find a lot of different and great topics, but lately I've been loving to write about Food, Fitness and DIY! Hope you enjoy it and follow me on a journey to a better self! Aside from the social media links on the top of the page, you can also connect with Sofia Linha on:Google+

3 thoughts on “I may not be there yet… and I’m not closer than I was yesterday.

  • March 10, 2015 at 12:44 am
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    I hope you get to live your dream. Good luck with everything! I know it can be really downing to not be able to do things when you want. I’m 30 years old as well too & I’m not where I’d like to be either, so I know exactly how you feel. Keep chasing your dream, you’ll make it!
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  • March 10, 2015 at 12:42 pm
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    It must be very frustrating to feel that you have a call on your life and not be able to make it happen. The process of moving to a new country can be long and difficult, and I wish you good luck (which you need a bit of) and encourage your tenacity as you persevere!!
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  • March 10, 2015 at 3:49 pm
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    Olá Sofia, sei exatamente como se sente porque eu tenho a mesma sensação. Adoro os EUA e sempre sonhei em ir viver para lá. Desde pequena (visitei pela primeira vez os EU quando tinha 8 anos) que tenho este sonho e que penso que teria uma vida mais feliz lá. Já tive familiares a viver lá e neste momento tenho duas amigas que lá estão uma porque casou com um Americano e outra que foi por trabalho e que penso que não vão voltar. Há uns anos ainda pensei que teria sorte e iria conseguir pois o meu marido trabalhava cá para uns americanos que se foram embora e que sabiam da nossa vontade de ir para lá e mesmo assim não conseguimos nada. É muito difícil. E depois pensamos que pessoas de outras nacionalidades conseguem tão mais facilmente e muitas sem qualificações e sem condições monetárias e conseguem ficar…porque será tão difícil para nós ? Eu neste momento não tenho estado em procura ativa de emprego e penso que para mim se torna cada vez mais difícil porque já tenho 41 anos mas continuo também a participar todos os anos na Green card lottery e a esperança é sempre a última a morrer. Felizmente tenho tido sorte de ir lá de férias várias vezes e vou-me contentando com isso. Se quiser quando for posso lhe dizer e se quiser posso lhe trazer qq coisita de lá para matar saudades 🙂
    Já fiz um comentário anteriormente em inglês mas achei que sendo as duas portuguesas podemos comunicar na nossa língua materna mesmo sonhando em falar inglês todos os dias !
    Tenho imensos livros ingleses (quase só leio inglês) caso algum dia queira posso lhe passar alguns (vivo relativamente perto da Glood de São João )
    Desejo-lhe a maior das sortes na sua procura e espero sinceramente que consiga !

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